Tuesday 26 February 2013

Don't they know who I am???

At last! I have a minute to myself when I'm not propping my eyes open with matchsticks and can now put fingers to keypad once more. This work malarkey is very tiring and I can safely say that last week I officially hit the brick wall of extreme exhaustion. y Wednesday, my little size 4 feet felt like lead and I almost fell asleep standing up on the packed train. That said, I am absolutely loving work and it feels so right to no longer be a stay at home mum. Phew! I made the right decision.

Anyway, lets get down to business.

Last year was a terrible year. I had some serious heartache to deal with, which is what kick started my quest for happiness. There have been enough negative things in my life, that I haven't even caused, so before I'd even started this blog, I'd already decided to stop adding to the mess and to start clearing up. Yep, there are some serious things I need to overcome. So it was either go to the doctor for some happy pills - like I'd done many years before (they did help by the way), or dig deep, and make some changes. Obviously, I've chosen the latter.

I thought I'd start off with a bang and do something big. Since leaving university I've been preventing myself from doing the one thing that makes me happiest and I know why. But before I go on, let me explain. Since I was a very small child, my excessive talking, random singing, face pulling, joke telling and general loudness have driven people (mainly teachers, close friends and family) to despair.  In basic terms, I am a loud mouth, I liked to be entertaining and I like to be noticed. Yes,  I. Am. An attention seeker. I'll give you a minute to soak this up. I mean, I've just basically served myself with the biggest cuss there is, so you might think its weird. You might think, I have just committed social suicide? After all, no one likes an attention seeker! But is this admission really a shock to anyone who knows me?? No. And who said this has to be a bad thing? My undiagnosed tourettes is taking things a bit too far I know, but I haven't asked for that! I don't enjoy looking like a prat! I don't enjoy negative attention. The kind of attention I like is the attention received is because I've made someone feel good or entertained them or given them a pleasant surprise! Anyway, it's just the way I am, I can't help it. The worst bit about this admission, is the next part that goes with it. I am the most annoying type of attention seeker. I don't mean like the type who constantly tells bad jokes and just generally irritates people (at least I hope not!) I mean I'm the worst type because I've done nothing WITH IT! And I'm about to tell you why. In simple terms, I have stage fright. That's it, STAGE. FRIGHT. Pathetic Ashley. You mean to tell me, that for all of these years, you've sat back and let that stop you? (I'm talking to myself now because I realise how f@cking stupid this is!) Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear Ashley. You know what you need? You need a punch square in your stupid little pea head, that's what you need!

Jesus, I've worked myself up here and feel dumber than I've ever felt in my whole life. Even dumber than the time I caught a throw-on in football and declared 'I thought it was netball...'! The rest of my story that I was going to tell you, was that I joined an local Amateur Dramatics group. No, don't clap me, I don't deserve it! I joined too late, so had to be the 'Prop Girl' and to add insult to injury, last week I  found out that they missed me off the email list telling everyone about the auditions for the next production and have been asked to do props AGAIN! Do you know what the funniest part of it is? That evil, Ashley-you-are-no-good-don't-succeed-don't-you-dare part of me, was GLAD! Because it gave time! Oh I really am foolish, I'm absolute JOKE!

Right, that's it. I'm going to rehearsals tonight - god it kills me to say that, when I'm not actually rehearsing anything, I'm a big fat fake -  I it is my new mission to show all of the 'real' actors that I too, have skills. I just need to think of a hard hitting way to do this....I was thinking of opening the door, walking straight past all of the familiar faces and on to the stage, they'd all be silent, because 1. I've now got a fringe I think I look better and 2. because they'd they'd know they were about to experience something special. Then I'd go full blown into a monologue. Not just any monologue, my own, self written, 1st earning, spectacular monologue that shows all of my many sides. Yeah, that would show them. That would shut them all up. Mission, accomplished. This thought genuinely had me in my 'happy place' for a good few moments. But then I remembered, I'VE GOT F@CKING STAGE FRIGHT!

Look, either way, I'm going to make them wish I was in their play. I don't know how, I don't know when. But what I do know, is I've got until June. Wish me luck...

Happy Chops x


2 comments:

  1. Ashley you have made me smile so you are a very successful attention seeker this morning! Don't break a leg "or a sweat" over it you will get there! you have already succeeded on one stage with your blog...so now you just have to take the next step on to those boards! Wishing you lots of courage! x

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